God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
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In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
Is your wife single?
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long