Internet Company: What are your hours of availability so we can do your installation?
Me: Between 8am and 12pm
Internet Company: Great, we’ll be there between 12pm and 6pm
You Might Also Like
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
You can make anything sound British if you add the word “force” after the first word.
Eg:
Guitar force
Tea time force
Biscuit force
Football force
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
I think this cat is broken
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.