I saw my neighbor standing out in his yard, he was dressed in camouflage. Someone should probably let him know his camouflage is broken.
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My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
You know I’m all about that bass,
‘Bout that bass…
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
I bought quick oats and two days later my roommate showed up with instant oats. I will not be humiliated; I must find an even sooner oat.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird