*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
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I love that cats slap the shit out of everything they cant understand.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
ME (watching a sea of a million llamas stampede over the horizon): dear God, it’s the alpacalypse
Shoo shoo! 😂
The struggle is real
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?