*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
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nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
I love that spiderman sits like that. That’s not a spider thing. Spiders don’t do that. But spiderman does.
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
What doesn’t kill you is still… going to kill you. Just slowly.
Me, on my 9th plate of nachos: So you’re telling me I have time
Doctor: I think I should refer you to a specialist.
My kid: mumma where are you going?
Me: I’m going to meet my really old friends
My kid: you mean friends your age?
Me: ‘really old’ meaning from long ago
My kid: so same
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food
GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste
ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.