me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
You Might Also Like
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
I’m such a great mom. I taught my kids archaeology during quarantine.
I mean, they dug up an opossum skull while they were digging a trench in the backyard unsupervised.
Archaeology.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back