Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
You Might Also Like
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats.
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly