This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
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COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
My circle of trust is a meatball
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.