These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Why does laundry happen to good people?
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.