9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
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*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
my 4yo has started saying the phrase “calm down” and it works as well on me as it does on him
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
They got a point!
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[talking to zoo attendant as I slowly take out a $50 bill]
“No”
What?
“You can’t sit in the Kangaroos pouch”
*places $50 back in my pocket*
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“Is it better to be feared, or to be loved?” Cats chose both, and they’re doing fine
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.