kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
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Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Good morning
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Happens to everyone.
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.