The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
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Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
tag: “dry clean only”
me: single-use garment? what a waste
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
It’s been 5 years now. I’m afraid that I actually might not be bloated.
My boss asked me why I’m late, apparently answering “because your wife wouldn’t let me get out of bed” just gets you sent to HR.
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
this is literally a CIA plant
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I tucked my kids in last night and said, “See you in the morning!” and then we laughed and laughed. Saw them 16 more times before sunrise.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.