wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
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Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
Wednesday
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
thanksgiving should be called feaster
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.