i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
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People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
This will never not be funny to me.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
I wasnt home for a few days and somebody taught my cat Karate
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*Batman, Superman, and Wonder Woman all avoiding eye contact with Aquaman as he walks in to work & sees Michael Phelps sitting at his desk*
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.