School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever
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I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Did I save this free pizza promo code or did it just save me?
When I said that you’d always have a place to stay in rough times, I meant like a motel or a shelter. Anyway … You can’t stay here.
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)