creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
You Might Also Like
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
[hotel]
wife: I’m gonna go change. Find us a movie, ok? *winks*
me: Ok!
*wife comes out in lingerie*
wife: What’d you pick?
me: Space Jam
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
Trainer: Run a mile on the track at your own pace.
Me: Okay. *starts running*
*halley’s comet goes by*
*trainer dies of old age*
*halley’s comet passes again*
*the sun dies*
*final episode of the simpsons airs*
Me(almost halfway done): Halfway there!
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I get the feeling some of you have been told by others of you not to talk to me. This means war.
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers