the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
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All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
Big Sex has us all fooled
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat
presenting your incognito window wrapped
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Random person outside of Target: is it ok if I pray for you?
Me: sure! While you’re at it can you pray they never find the knife and blood soaked clothes I buried? Kthanks!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!