Mom made me take Millie to the prom. With her dark hair and big, brown eyes, I didn’t argue. Horseshoes can sure wreck a gymnasium floor.
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My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’m definitely the most successful guy in this dollar store.
Oh, wait.
That guy has a tuxedo t-shirt.
I’m the second most successful guy.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
Every work call, he judges.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet