In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
You Might Also Like
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
I just explained the concept of a nail gun to my 4 year old and honestly he’s never been this interested in anything I’ve had to say.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid