The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
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Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
Me: Whatcha doin’?
5: Whatcha doin’?
Me: Are you copying me?
5: Are you copying me?
Me: I’m adopted
5: I’m adop- WHAT?
Death certificates are our last participation award.
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
To be fair, I did a lot of stupid shit before I was married too. Now I just have someone who judges me for it.
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.