facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
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Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
Whatever, Batman. You may call it the Batcave, but that doesn’t change the fact you still live in your parents’ basement.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
My husband has blocked the sink!!!!
.
I knew I should have buried him in the garden!
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.