My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
I bet every time Vanilla sets his razor down on the bathroom sink, he looks up in the mirror, rubs his newly smooth face & says “Shaved Ice”
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean