kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
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WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
“Great, now I have to pee.”
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
my first day as a raccoon
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes