Teach your teenager a valuable life lesson; show them how to grow their own car, just like their ancestors did.
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There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Go on vacation so you can discover the earliest time that your kids will ever wake up
If you, don’t know, how, to properly use a comma don’t use, them ok.
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
the only bumper sticker ill allow
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..
~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down