How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
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People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
ACED my prostate exam!
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
do horses think humans are hats
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair