A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
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A bad analogy is like a cucumber
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
Oh right, like you’ve never let your kids stay lost in a corn maze just a little longer.
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
[date]
HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.