[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
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A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
Happy “Venmo Your Siblings for Flowers” Day
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
Pulling my treadmill out of the closet after an 11 month vacation, I’m pretty sure I heard it say “not this again.“
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
WHISKERS: There’s nothing there. Go ahead.
BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff*
WHISKERS: Technically^– why we don’t have seeing-eye cats
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.
Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.