When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
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my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
fair
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Fluff me with a fork baby
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.