Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
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“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Smooooooth
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
those who pour milk into the bowl then add the cereal are villains at heart. we all know the correct way is to pour the milk directly into the box of cereal