My boss calls me “The computer”
Not because of my calculation skills but because I go to sleep when left unattended for 15 minutes.
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I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
good work, everybody
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!