I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
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If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know