therapist: so, what do you say when she says that
me: you sound like your mom
therapist: π€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈπ€¦π»ββοΈ
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A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
wife: Iβm leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no itβs because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says βuh oh spaghetti-osβ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but Iβm not impressed. Iβve had a Canon printer for years.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
βItβs fine with me if Mom says okβ
– the original two-step verification
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, βYour Uber driver has arrived!β gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friendβs house
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and Iβll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
5: Is it okay if I donβt eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want itβs okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
*lil wayne begins typing lyrics into mocrosoft word*
*paperclip pops onto screen*
Do you mean “digger”?
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
British people be like Iβm Bri ish
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.