The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
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Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Today me is so mad at yesterday me for making plans tonight as if I forgot I was going to be an entire day older
I like my women like I like my wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh a wemoweh IN THE JUNGLE THE MIGHTY JUNGLE THE LION SLEEPS TONIIIIIIIIGHT
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
Today, I saw a sign outside a dental office that said “We do our business in your mouth” and I haven’t stopped laughing.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, sweetie- it’s what I’m here for.
9: Why are arms the only body parts that got a pit?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?