Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition
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He loved it so much he walked himself up.
I am HOWLING at this
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
My daughter says she’s not mad at me but she did just hug her dad and tell him, “I love you more than anyone” without breaking eye contact with me.
“Have kids,” they said.
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”