quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Sometimes I just sit and run my fingers through my girl’s hair. Its a nice way to let her know I love her and also that were out of napkins
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
I put the whiskey in another room …
Exercise regimen established.
Whisper out to librarians!
Throw the donuts in a food dehydrator so you can fit more in your wallet.
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.