So it looks like I have one sock to wear today.
Disappearing socks. Sheesh! I ask you:
IS THIS ANY WAY TO RUN A UNIVERSE.
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just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[knocks on widow’s door]
Me: my condolences. Your husband was a good man with a wonderful set of golf clubs that he won’t be needing anymore
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!