What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
Imitation is the sincerest form of crabmeat.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
At the bank and the teller asked the guy in front of me “how are you doing” and he took a deep breath and said “not great my cat f****ng hates me”
So it’s my turn and I go “that was the weirdest thing I’ve heard waiting in line here” and the teller says “I’ve met his cat. She does hate him.”
What is happening?
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja