ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
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me (checkin out at grocery store with 2 rotisserie chickens): hold up *i grab my phone although it didn’t ring* sure i’ll get 1 more chicken
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
A lot of people are mad that I broke into the zoo and dyed all the bears white. It’s polarizing.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.
**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up