Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
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Yes, this is exactly right
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Date: You don’t look anything like your profile picture
Incredible Hulk: THE BUS WAS LATE
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
#MeanwhileinCanada
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.