My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
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[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
“Does my uniform make me look fat?”,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,
Insecurity guard……….
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
You’d think Kate Middleton would have people to hide for her.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Congratulations to all the people currently in a coma, well played.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.