doing your own taxes
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[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
me, after any kind of buffet.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Tyler on Facebook says he ran 1.7 miles this morning… So based on calculations, I have 35 minutes to ransack his house tomorrow morning.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you