My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
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Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
I wish other jobs let us solve issues by releasing diss tracks. got some sick rhymes about debbie from accounting and her poorly structured invoicing
Basically.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
My kid has been home since March 2020 and I don’t know what this says about me as a parent but tbh I’m actually really going to miss him when he starts school again next week…now who is going to do laundry, feed the dog, and switch out the dishwasher?
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.