HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
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My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?