Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
My son was invited over 2 different friend’s houses for a sleepover and he picked the friend that has a whole drawer in the fridge dedicated to just cheese and I’m wondering how to get invited over for a sleepover
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago