Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
How it started: How it’s going:
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
Me [greasing brownie pan with my scalp]: I’m just happy that this isolation hasn’t really changed me as a person, you know?
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Darth Vader: Luke
Luke: ya
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
mom had nothing to worry about
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.