Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
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Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!