A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
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Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
the red hot silly peppers
People often ask how I got to where I am and I look ‘em right in the eyes and tell ‘em I ran out of gas
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
I like crazy people until they notice me
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
As soon as I figure out what an unto is, I’ll consider doing it to others.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
pre-crashed car! already crashed. don’t have to worry about crashing it, car cannot crash. can’t drive it (no wheels) wheels fell of in crash. also just replaced the brakes, brakes work perfectly now
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Admin smashed it 😂
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath