GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
You Might Also Like
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Mornin
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
And now we wait
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.