Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
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I like to take long walks away from stupid people
behind every “do what you want” is a secret “if you dare”
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: *plays video games to avoid my problems*
Me in game: *puts off main quest to avoid my characters problems*
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff
If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.