Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
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cat faces on other animals, a thread
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
This why you should mind your business
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god